The absence of peace and serenity hurls shards to the inner cavity of my abdomen. Vibrating energy ceases to glow from me, no longer do I glow. I am a case, a shell, shed into this classroom. Glowing only in the past where I am bound to the unreality, trapped and locked into a memory. Warm, glowing bodies envelop me, their weight blankets me. I despise them, as they exploit the stale air of the classroom, their ora suffocates me, their stable lives, their simple lives triggers a strain of agony down my neck. Their subconchens’ blow thoughts into my skin, each word a different texture. I can feel them penetrating the surface of my skin, I can see the holes pierced on my forearm, wounds of torture, but they can’t see. Echoed wind from the hallway, flood’s a familiar sound that swallow’s me, sends me away. My lids collapse
My ears spark first, tuning into the piano melody that seeps a stream of music that dribbles down from my ears, weaves down my spine, and trickles out my toes spilling a puddle of song onto the ground where I lay. Absent. A piercing urge surges from my lower back, another spark is lit. My spine bends to attempt to support me my stomach tenses smashing my head into the window, a crushed smooshed case……… my lids break free. I lay. Absent. The blur of the melody blocks the sirens, screams, and moans from connecting me. Disconnected, I lay. Absent. The blur encompasses the air, thickening it… I choke and the verse of the melody is spat on to the seat in front of me. People say that moments like these go in slow motion, not mine, with every beat, pacing faster and faster mirrors the motion that buzzes around me, I am in slow motion, unable to connect into the buzz that surrounds me. I lay. Absent. The raven ink of her marble’s, hang, suspended in her ivory cased eyes, I couldn’t feel her warmth, her glow, I frown, confused ………thrust muscles pound, hammering the balled towards my chest trying to escape break my shell. The violins quiver vivaciously as the symphony kicks into action. MOVE! MOVE! DO SOMETHING! MOOOOVVVEEE!! YOUR AN IDOIT! MOVE!! a stranger to my conches screeches at my body to move, my innards squirms and twists inside my shell, to will me help her.. I lay, unreactive, paralyzed, suspended. White noise is hummed……Mom. A cutting shiver accelerates electricity through my blood stream relinquished, sitting, shivering, back into the classroom. A memory, bleeding into my unconscious brain, circulating round and round, and when I wake it’s leaked into my ‘reality’ staining my serenity, my safe place, my escape.
Life feels numb and tainted. No longer do I recognize the life that I am living, the puzzle that is my life has been stepped on, scattered and thrown across the room in anguish, all pieces that had previously fit, are broken. Through my oil slicked lashes, presents a woman. A white dress, sensible shoes, golden ringlets wound tightly to her skull, chewed fingernails (probably from the anxiety in her life), and a right at her feet a stray glossy blue button. “The stages of grief, well grief is associated with feelings of sadness yearning, guilt, regret, and anger, among others. You may feel lost, a sense of meaningless or maybe even relief. Our emotions are often surprising in their strength or weakness, most likely very confusing. It’s okay to feel these emotions, but I need you to talk to me, explain how you feel. All emotions are beautiful and completely natural. This, is a safe place. Blah, blah, blah…What a nut. Fuck this bitch! What the hell does she know! The screeching unfamiliar voice has intruded my mind, scrambling my clarity.